January in Ecuador

It’s been difficult to feel inspired to write as my brain leading up to this trip and upon arrival has been in a state of logic. Moving, packing, moving, packing- three weeks later and I’m still unsettled.

However, I wish to document my journey despite my creative juice or lack of profoundness. I write to you from a hostel in Guayaquil where I’ve stayed only for the night. I have an hour until my taxi arrives and takes me on a four hour drive back to my home for the next three months.

I paid a surprise visit to the states as two weeks into my trip my best friend unexpectedly passed. This also contributes to the difficulty I’ve been finding in writing anything aside from “this morning I ate toast and watched fish swim.” A part of me feels a little dead though there is so much alive around me.

The two weeks I’ve spent here has already exceeded my expectations of this experience. Some people have a difficult time understanding why I have a difficult time staying still. I’ve grappled with understanding it myself, thinking something must be wrong with me or maybe I’m running from something. Maybe in my younger years I was running. Running toward dreams, but out of fear I may not reach them if I’m patient and do them in a sustainable way.

Now I don’t really have dreams and that has bothered me the last couple of years. Everything I’ve wanted for myself I’ve made happen or has happened for me and for a while this had me thinking maybe I didn’t dream big enough.

When I was younger, dreams felt like dreams. A burning desire that I just couldn’t fathom living having not tasted this alternate reality. Now, “dreams” feel more like I think that would be cool to experience but I’m okay if it doesn’t happen.

The downside is I don’t experience this burning passion which gave me such energy to execute. Now, everything is just whatever man. I still go after new experiences and pivot my life appropriately every six months to a year but that’s simply because it’s who I am.

Moving, experiencing new places, different people, being immersed in an environment which you are not accustomed to is like an accelerated course for growth and transformation.

Here, I’ve been able to watch and observe myself in all of these new situations. Being in a country where I don’t speak the language, living amongst strangers from all over the world, adapting to a new environment.. I’ve been able to see when I get anxious, when I get insecure, when I get irritable or uncomfortable, and even when I experience the safety to be free and joyous.

I’ve just been watching, getting a few kicks out of myself. Sometimes like “wow, I thought we had worked through this and were more free to be expressive.” Other times I see “wow, you’ve really grown in this area, you responded differently than I’ve seen you respond in the past.” All of this from a place of amusement. I no longer rip into myself for not being as free as I want to be because I understand myself. I can see how I’ve been shaped into who I am and why I do the things I do or have the struggles that I have. But, it is these exact experiences that continue to shape me into the person I want to grow into. These experiences where I can step into another world and witness myself navigate it.

As I continue my trip in Ecuador I now not only navigate a new environment, a language barrier, and sharing space with strangers, but I now must do it all while grieving. I’m surprisingly excited to witness how I show up for myself in this time. Do I honor, express, and communicate my needs? Do I give myself the space necessary in a social environment? I can’t wait to find out. I believe I have gained a new angel who will be with me as I navigate it all.

Much love to all of you ❤️

Gringo Bre