Ecuador March

It’s hard to believe I’m less than three weeks away from returning home. While I’m sure in reflection I will gather much more insight as to how this trip has benefitted me, even now, I feel there has been so much gained. For two and a half months I’ve been living at a hostel who’s doors remain open and revolving to people all over the world. We’ve had locals stay as guests, families with their children, even pets. While every week brought new people in, there were quite a few people, like me, who never left.

I Imagined living amongst, at times, thirty strangers, would make for a great reality TV show. However it was as if somehow this place attracted only people who shared some sort of unspoken code. Despite being from every part of this wide earth and sharing small spaces together, there was only love and belonging. Producers would quickly be bored, although, to those living it- it was rich and juicy. This experience, though tiresome at times, has left me feeling reinvigorated.

Before Ecuador I’ve felt somewhat lost. I’ve missed the hunger of pursuit, having clarity on what it is I’d like to work toward and feeling purposeful in my advancement toward something. I haven’t felt unhappy necessarily, simply unfulfilled, despite my life reflecting all I once dreamed. I had no inspiration to conjure up a bigger dream which compelled me to exercise my potential. So, I never quite felt at peace with the way I was living - going through the motions, yet, aware I was capable of much more.

Here, I’ve met such humble people, in bare feet and ragged clothes yet beautiful and brilliant. Speaking multiple languages, carrying more stories than possessions, and eyes that gleam with life and light. I’ve found myself inspired by them all, I’m reminded what is possible for me. I’ve learned so much about myself here. I’ve witnessed myself navigate so many new and unique scenarios. Many in which reflect to me my strength and compassion, while others reflected truths harder to face.

I’ve noticed how easily I get defeated when I’m a beginner at something. This may explain why I am a “jack of all trades”, which I love about myself, but I’d like to have the same resiliency in learning which I exude in my physical training. I’ve been a part of many conversations during this trip which have been intellectually stimulating and have humbled me at my lack of knowledge on things I claim to be my passions and expertise. It has highlighted how much room I still have to grow and learn even in the topics which captivate me most. I’ve simply grown worn down over the years, or, I’ve stopped believing in my potential. Speaking with others who are so knowledgable and passionate has provoked a hunger in me that I’ve been missing for years. I’ve always wanted to place myself in rooms where I am the least wise, who knew I’d find that opportunity at a hostel in Ecuador.

I am aware of my “schema” (as my therapist calls it), which is social isolation. This meant everyday in a social atmosphere I had something to work through. Facing daily the tension between wanting to be seen and wanting to hide has given me practice in working through my tendency to run from discomfort and instead walk right through it. I’ve found so much beauty on the other side and it’s created more opportunities for me to connect deeply with others. While I will still require more solitude than most, this experience has taught me that I need connection much more than I previously thought and it’s teaching me healthy ways to meet this need.

I’ve built deeper relationships with some more than others and the commonality in these I’ve realized: “people who are curious about one another, yet, dedicated to themselves”. It is a beautiful feeling to experience this dynamic of relationship.

I’ve noticed which scenarios make my confidence waver and my insecurities flare and I’ve had the opportunity to practice reminding myself in those moments where my value comes from and how much I have to offer despite my weaknesses.

Overall, it’s been a beautifully challenging few months and I will return home a different Bre. More of Bre.

Much love to you all.